Sometimes when I think that I have moved on from the trauma in my life, I get a reality check. Something random happens in life, and it triggers a strong feeling, a strange emotional reaction, or brings back a vivid memory. These events bring to surface feelings buried deep within me. Feelings I thought no longer existed or feelings I did not even know existed. The reason I call these events reality checks is because in reality I have not dealth with most of the trauma or feelings from my past.
My way of dealing is not allowing myself to feel things. I do this by staying at a distance from most people to protect my heart. I fear rejection so much that I don’t even give people the opportunity to reject me. I don’t allow myself to feel deeply for people because it hurts to much when the feeling isn’t reciprocated. I used to think by blocking off these feelings and guarding myself I was being strong, when in reality it only makes me seem strong.
Inside I am still the very fragile little girl who longed for someone to put her first. I am still the same girl who was abandoned by the people that were supposed to love her and take care of her. I am still that little girl trying to put on the smile and make sure everyone else is happy so that I don’t have to feel anything.
I have only come to this realization recently in life. Maybe it’s the fact that I am getting older or maybe it’s the extra time from the pandemic, but whatever the reason I have realized I am not as strong as I pretend to be. These reality checks keep coming at me, and with each one I see that I still have a lot of work to do. I still have a lot of issues to deal with, and at some point I need to let my guard down and be vunerlable if I ever want true healing.
I hope to get there at some point. They say the first step is admitting you have a problem. So I have taken step one, now on to the the next part of this healing journey. It’s not easy to open up and allow yourself to feel weak, but it doesn’t mean you are weak.
If you have ever ever experienced reality checks in life or you are learning to heal just know there are many people out there on the same journey. Lean on one another, I am here if you ever need someone to lean on. We are in this together. Let the healing begin!
Dear Tasha, You continue to amaze me. Vulnerability is strength even though it often doesn’t feel like it. Life is a complicated journey and the best we can do is to be honest and loving. You have both in abundance. When I look for examples of someone who is living their life the way it should be lived, I think of you first. You inspire me to be better. That’s just another reason we love you so much.
I think you are much stronger than you think. Think of how many chains you have broken and the complete opposite path you have walked down in life when usually people who come from a past like yours falls into the very same path. A lot of people love you…. like me and think you are so much stronger than they could ever be. Love you sis.
Tasha no words have been truer said, some hit so close that it took my breath away. I agree that wake up calls are tough. I admire your strength, and your vulnerability it isn’t easy to open up and lay it out there. I think trauma is an ugly serpent that bites when you least expect it. Victory is knowing it can’t hurt you anymore. Thank you for sharing and I too am here if you need to talk. I have missed our coffee dates. Love you. Be safe.