Trauma changes you. Not just emotionally, but physically as well. Studies have shown that trauma can actually change your DNA. I mean think about that for a minute. Let that sink in just a bit. It literally changes the makeup of your body, and the wiring of your brain. That is some crazy stuff for sure.
The thing about trauma is that it affects you in ways you don’t even understand until later. When you are in the midst of it, you don’t realize what it is doing to you because you are just trying to survive.
I am writing this post tonight, because today the aftermath of trauma hit me hard, right in the gut. It really sucker punched me. I did not even realize what it had stolen from me until today.
I was reminiscing with my dear friend from high school. She had come across some pictures from childhood, and was sending them to me. As I looked at the pictures I had a difficult time recalling what was happening in the picture or sometimes even who was in the picture. She was talking about things we did and memories she had from our childhood. As she talked I began to slowly realize that I did not have these memories. I could not remember all these great times she spoke of, and then it hit me. Trauma stole that from me. I was so busy surviving that my brain didn’t have room to store those memories at the time.
It made me so upset to think that I couldn’t remember all of these great times we had. At one point I even started crying. I would never be able to go back to that time in my life and capture those memories. Trauma really sucks, it takes so much away from you. I knew there were things I did not remember about my childhood, but I didn’t understand just how much of the good stuff I had forgotten as well. It hurts, it hurts a lot to know that I had these great times, and I experienced them, but I can’t remember them. I want that back. I want to take back the good memories, and hold them close. Life is a series of moments and memories, and mine were stolen by trauma.
Most of the time, I choose not to allow myself to feel because it hurts so much. Today I couldn’t control the feelings and emotions. My heart hurts for the little girl that never got to be little. It aches for the teenager that never had the chance to capture the moments and memories. I am grateful I had them, and that there were people along my path to love me and provide those childhood experiences for me, but what I would give to remember them. What I would give to go back and relive them, to capture them and keep them close to me.
Trauma changed me, it hurt me, and each day I learn more about the effects it had on me. I wish I could say trauma is something you can just move on from, but I am learning that isn’t possible. As much as I had hoped that I could just overcome it all and be this fearless, strong women, that’s just not the case. I will forever be changed.
I have chosen to rise above the trauma I experienced and live my life, but I will always have the scars, and sometimes they burn. Sometimes they hurt so much it’s almost unbearable. Sometimes the affects are overwhelming, and all the emotions boil over. Sometimes it’s hard to breath, and sometimes it feels like the weight is to much. Trauma is everlasting, and painful.
So if you ever feel like this please know you are not alone. You are allowed to feel all the things, and you can still rise above.