I saw this social media trend, and it got me thinking about what I would say to my younger self so here goes…
I met my younger self today, and wrapped her in a hug. I immediately felt her tense up. I whispered “It’s ok, I am not going to hurt you.” I let go, and she smiled at me and asked “Will I ever be comfortable accepting affection?” I told her more comfortable than you are now, but it is still really hard for you to accept love and affection from people without feeling guilty or feeling like you are a burden. I said you are still scared of opening up your heart to people because you hate to feel emotions due to your fear of being hurt or abandoned again.
She asked me “Does our path in life get easier?” I told her we were not destined to have an easy path in life, but we are strong and we make it through the challenges of life. I told her I think our story is meant to help someone someday.
I then smiled and said even though our path might be hard, we were given the greatest gift in life. Something we did not know we needed, but something that has given us more joy and love then we ever knew existed. She laughed and said “What, what did we get?” I replied, a son. She laughed again and said “Remember how scared we were of ever being a mother? We thought we couldn’t ever do it because we did not know what a mom looked like.” I told her we have made some mistakes along the way, but we did the best we knew how to do and we tried to give him the life we never had. I told her because of him we finally know what true love really feels like.
I then gave her a serious look and said I have to tell you something. There will come a time when you will need to be strong, really strong! You will feel heartache like you have never experienced before. She asked” How can I feel more heartache than I do now?” I replied, this event will rip your heart out, and make you feel like you can’t breathe. You will almost lose your son, but God had other plans for him. He wasn’t done on this earth yet. You realized through this terrible event what really matters in life, and it changed you going forward. She asked me “How did you get through that?” I said, honestly it almost broke me, and I would take your childhood all over again to never feel a pain like that again.
Changing the subject she said “Did you ever become a teacher like you dreamed of?” I replied yes in fact I did. I tell her it’s a challenging job for sure, but I know it is what I was meant to do. Then she said ” How about the big family you always wanted, did you get that?” I said I have learned that sometimes family is more than just blood and I have a great support system of people that would do anything for me, then I laughed and said of course if I would just let them, but we are still not really good at letting people do things for us.
Before we parted I looked her in the eyes and told her how proud I was of her. I said many times you will feel like you are broken or something is wrong with you. You will wonder why you react to certain things the way you do or why you can’t do certain things. You will ask yourself why you feel different than most people, but I want you to know you have come so far. You have a family, a stable job, a home, and people that love you. You have come so far, and that is something to be proud of. Then I said promise me you will set your standards high, don’t allow people to treat you poorly. I told her she is worth more than that.
She thanked me, and as I walked away I heard her whisper, please don’t forget about the carefree girl that lives deep inside of you. The girl that likes to dance on the beach at night while singing at the top of her lungs. The girl who feels free and wild. She deserves a place in your life, too.