A Fork In The Road

“On every journey you take, you face choices. At every fork in the road, you make a choice. And it is those decisions that shape our lives”.  Mike DeWine

This next part of the journey is really difficult to write. This is one part of my story that still brings back vivid emotions.

The story I am about to tell is a story that most people don’t know. I am not even sure my mom would remember this story. She was not in a good place at this time, and I doubt she even remembers doing what she did. As for me, I will remember it forever  because it changed the course of my life .

It was the  summer before I was to start 5th grade. My mom was living in Washington. My sisters were no longer with her because they had been taken back to Missouri to live with their dad. My mom called to ask if I would come visit her for the summer. I was very hesitant to go because I really enjoyed living with my dad. I enjoyed the childhood I had been living. For once life was carefree and good. I did miss my mom, but I wanted to continue living with my dad. I agreed to go visit her under the condition that I would not be staying.

I remember saying goodbye to my dad at the airport, and telling him that I wanted to come back and I wasn’t staying. He reassured me that I could and told me not to worry. As my plane landed in Washington I was excited to see my mom, but nervous at the same time.

My mom was living  in a huge apartment building at the time. The building reminded me of a hotel because it had so many floors. To be honest it very well could have been a hotel, I can’t recall   the details of the building except that  it was big and had an elevator. I don’t remember much of  what we did that summer, but I do  remember my mom being gone many nights, and leaving me alone in that giant apartment building with all of its strange noises and people . I was terrified every time she left me, and I could not wait to go back to California to the safety of living with my dad.

Summer was coming to a close, and I was anxiously waiting to fly back home to my dad. One night my mom said she wanted to talk to me about something. I sat down with her, and she told me that she wanted me to stay and live with her. I felt bad because I did not want to hurt her, but I hated being there. She had been drinking a lot and would leave me alone all night. I was always so scared when she was gone.  I did not like my mom drinking either because she was a whole different person, and not in a good way. I told her I wanted to go back to California. She started crying and begging me to stay. She said she needed me, and couldn’t live without me. Then she said something to me that I will never forget. She told me that if I went back to California she would kill herself. That one sentence sealed my fate. I had no other choice, but to stay because  I could not be the reason my mom killed herself.

The next day she had me call my dad, while I spoke to him she listened in on our conversation. She even took the threat of killing herself a step further, and  held a knife to her wrist as I talked to my dad while she listened.  I told my dad that I had decided to stay and live with my mom. I could hear  the shock in my dad’s voice when I told him. He was confused and kept asking me if I was sure. Inside my head I was screaming “NO I don’t want to stay”, but I couldn’t tell him the truth because I did not want my mom to slit her wrist.  I remember the heartache in his voice as we ended our conversation. The whole time we talked  I was silently praying for  him to somehow realize that I was lying and come to rescue me, but how could he know that I needed to be rescued. My mom had accomplished her goal. I was staying.

I felt so defeated and alone. I was trapped there living with a mom who was drinking all the time, and leaving me alone at night to fend for myself. It was one of the lowest, most miserable times in my life. I kept hoping and wishing that my dad would fly to Washington and get me, but he had no idea what my life was like.

Sometimes I think about how much different my life would have been if I had never gotten on that plane.  I am sure life would have been a lot brighter, and easier. I would have had a place to call home. I wouldn’t struggle with the emptiness that sometimes haunts me. I would feel like I belonged somewhere instead of feeling like I am constantly searching to find where I belong. I think about  all the painful experiences I would have missed. The stresses of living with an addict I would never have felt, but then I remember…

I remember that everything I’ve  experienced made me the person I am today. The battles I fought, the things I survived have given me the strength to get through anything in life. My childhood tragedies helped me to become the mom that I am today. The people who have come into my life and become my family would not exist if my path hadn’t changed that summer. All those things, and all those  people made every single struggle worth it.

I still fight an internal battle of belonging. Many days I still feel an emptiness inside me. Holidays and family events are especially difficult for me, and I am still not sure where I fit in. That’s ok though because I am learning each day, and growing each day. Someday I know I will be right where I belong.